If you have ever taken a razor blade to that beautiful body of yours, skipped one or more meals, cried yourself to sleep because you never thought you were good enough, attempted any sort of self harm, had thoughts of taking your own life, or actually tried it, HONESTLY reblog this.
My heart is really hurting tonight. It’s hard having such hatred and anger directed at you, and being powerless to do anything about it. People tell you to speak out, to make your voice heard, yet when it’s not what they want to hear, they pummel you with insults and open hostility. It is so difficult to show Christ’s love in these times, but it is in these times that it is most important to do so. Maybe I’m a fool, but I don’t care. I’m not ashamed of my beliefs, and I certainly won’t apologize for them. I’m tired of holding my faith inside, it is such disrespect to hide it from the world, for fear of losing friends. The road I walk may be difficult, and I will mess up constantly, but I have a loving God who has placed the most incredible friends in my life, and they remind me daily that this walk is so very worth it. And even though some may hate me for my choice, I will still love them because they too are God’s children.
9/21/2012 So my grandpa is dying, and there is nothing I can do about it. I’ve been struggling to come to terms with this over the last month or so. Last night I came to terms with his fate, and although it hurts that he’s going to be gone soon, I am so happy he gets to go home to Jesus. I am trying not to stay bitter and selfishly hope that he stays here. No, I am not ready to lose him, but I have all my friends to support me and help me through this when the time comes. Death and dying truly change a person.
9/24/2012 My grandpa now refuses to eat any food. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to know that means he could die within a month. I don’t know what to do, who to turn to, and how to handle this. I thought I had more time, I thought I could have a little breathing room before he goes. Knowing that he has given up so completely is killing me inside. I don’t want to say goodbye, I want him to live. It’s so selfish of me I know, but he is such a wonderful man and grandpa and I want more time with him. Right now all I want to do is just to be with my friends and completely fall apart, but I couldn’t ask that of them. I feel like a piece of my core is being cut out of me and I am bleeding in some dark and frightening place. My mom is trying her best to hold it all together, but she’s starting too break. My father isn’t far behind her. I stay strong around them, but when I am alone, I fall apart. One of the hardest things I have to face/accept is that I will never get to walk down the aisle with my grandpa attending. I will never get to introduce my future husband to him. I will in Heaven, but it will be different then, and it really hurts to acknowledge that.
So there’s this man, and he’s broken every single rule I’ve set about letting people in. The crazy thing is that he doesn’t even know me, and I don’t know him. He’s in this little band called Lostprophets, and they are going to change the world, I’m convicted of it in my soul. Ian Watkins has saved my life so many times. Every time I listen to his lyrics, I swear for just a moment they were written for me. I guess that’s the power of inspired lyrics. Some day I would like to know Ian, be his friend, or whatever God has in store for me, but at times it is so hard to stay positive and believe that this will happen. But I’m going to keep strong and hold onto the feelings I have within my heart.
Tomorrow, September 10, 2012, is Suicide Awareness Day. Show your support by wearing yellow and writing "love" on your wrist, to show your constant care and love for those who have thought about suicide, attempted suicide, and for those who have succeeded in taking their own lives. Reblog to get the word around. Thank you.
So my brother in law’s younger brother just died. There is a foundation which they have set up in order to help out with all the bills and expenses his wife has been left with. Donations would be greatly appreciated, and if you can’t a prayer for the family would be greatly appreciated. I normally don’t like these things asking for money and whatnot, but seeing as it’s family, it feels different this time. Thank you everyone, and God Bless.
So I found out on August 17th that my grandpa has pancreatic cancer. It’s insanely cruel how life has a way of punching you in the gut just when things seem to be getting better. The first thing that went through my head, was that this must be a sick, humorless joke. My grandpa is in great health and can do a lot more than most people his age, and even younger. On Monday the 20th, I found out that his cancer has grown, and there isn’t anything they can do except to drug him when it gets too bad. I’m so confused right now, and I honestly don’t know how to deal with this whole situation. I am not ready to lose my grandpa. I need him to stay, because right now I am not strong enough to deal with his death. I am really angry at God because He is allowing my grandpa to die this miserable and painful death. He could be merciful and just take him quickly, but no, He has to give him one of the worst ways to die. My grandpa deserves better. He is the kindest, and most selfless individual I know. I know I should trust that God is going to handle this in the best way possible, but I just don’t understand. Obviously I’m not supposed to, but it seems to me that if God had the best in mind, it wouldn’t be such an awful feeling in my heart. I’m still hoping for a miracle, but in my heart, I know that the time is going to come soon when he dies. I hate feeling this much pain, and I just wish it would go away. I have been more able to control the feelings from emerging on the surface, but inside I feel like the pain is eating me away. I love my friends, but I feel like I’ve just been using them as a crutch to keep myself from having to think about everything. I am at the end of my rope, and I don’t know how to come back from this…